Anxious thoughts

I phoned the care home that we have favoured and asked them where Mum is on the waiting list, actually I have done this twice or three times in recent weeks, whenever I get to breaking point.  I think that Maxine must be getting tired of my tearful calls but she handles me very well when I do.

This is the time when I know that I am getting close to losing it but am also aware that I am terrified of getting the call to say they have a bed available to take Mum.  My whole life at the moment revolves around, where is she, has she had food and drink, does she need bathing or dressing, is she up to going out, is the weather nice enough to sit in the garden, how long has she been in bed should I wake her and get her out of bed, is she happy or sad?

I think about all the little things I do for Mum to make her feel loved, she enjoys having her hair brushed hard when I am preparing to put it in a bun to massage her scalp, when she has a bath she loves having the rough mitt to scrub her back. When she is anxious I massage cream into her hands to help relax her. She likes her coffee made with half cold and half hot water, only the tip of the spoon with coffee powder as she likes it weak. Will she get any of this when she is in the home, I don’t think so she will be with strangers.

Constant thoughts of this are clouding the decision process and making life hard at the moment, the waiting game is not a fair one, it is challenging and exhausting. I often wake in the early hours in panic.